Ah, ex sex. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. She responded back instantly. I actually miscarried shortly after confirming the pregnancy. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. On the contrary, the partner who initiated this breakup would get a reality check. If the relationship was abusive, its not advised for your physical and mental safety to get back with your ex. Your ex could just come back to patch his or her wounds and take you for granted again. If you were dumped and forced to go no contact with your ex, asking your ex this question is perfectly fine. There was a lot of love in your dynamic before, and that may have turned to affection and warmth. When an ex contacts you years later, make sure you dont actively try to turn it into a guilt trip for them. So yes, exes come back years after the breakup. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. For a person who has been dumped in a relationship, no contact offers that much-required time and space for healing. As most of the comments say it depends on how the relationship was. In this response, you're being vulnerable and expressive of your feelings. Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. If your relationship was healthy, you might not feel the need to speak to the person, or you may still have them in your life. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. You and your ex may not be friends on social media, but theyve managed to gain access to your page, and they know all about the wonderful life youre living without them. Throw out an invitation to hang out in a super low-key environment. To handle an ex coming back with dignity, you should ponder on all the probable scenarios to stay a step ahead of them. 2021 now (keep in mind weve known each other since we were 6, now 22) Stopped talking in 2019 cause I screwed a lot up being a bad friend (during the aftermath she was too. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. What role are they going to play? After years of single life and suffering from loneliness, they decide to get back together with their ex. Takeaway Will things be better now? The best way to handle this is by understanding the fact that sometimes a text is just a text, says Jaseena. The bitterness, anger, and disappointment buried deep down may rear their ugly heads when this text lights up your screen. It was like a weight lifted. He'd called when I wasn't home, and I never returned his phone call. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? Perhaps you could lend me an ear?. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. That's actually something I thought of doing. This post originally appeared at Attract The One. You were important to each other once. Until you reach 41 weeks, your provider may not do anything unless there are problems. Absolutely nothing, your ex doesnt have an ulterior motive. Always so grateful. And this epiphany has the power to escalate the steps of your ex coming back more rapidly than you thought. Reaching out to an ex after months or years later. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? I wouldnt bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if Im unattached. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. But they didnt click with anyone. But years later, they realize they could have worked their way through their problems and that breaking up was a mistake. But how are you supposed to know that for sure? What do you expect out of this renewed relationship? Learn how your comment data is processed. Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. Your ex-partner must have kept a tab on you. Weirdly, whether we like it or not, exes do this all the time and its important not to automatically decide that your ex wants you back. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. 5. How else do you handle an ex coming back when there is such a big, unresolved issue?. But if youre with someone else and feel happy, you can respond and see what triggered his nostalgia. We do not have a friendship, and never had one outside of our relationship. Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? Your ex may not want you back, but when it takes your ex years to reach out, you can tell that your ex has been thinking about you for so long that he or she changed some opinions of you and mustered up the courage to contact you. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. Would this be considered bredacrumbing or did he just want to check how I was? Hi Zan, If you're in the midst of a no contact rule, which includes time frames of 21 days, 30 days, and 45 days, you may be sitting and thinking that you should respond back to your ex. Besides, you have no way of knowing whether your ex will be forthcoming and candid in their response. There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. You had strong feelings for your ex, things didnt end well, and you dont want them disrupting your life. Additionally, if youre getting back with your ex because youre lonely, that may not be a good idea either. So, they are back to mess with your head, bring back all the memories, and stomp your progress in the healing process. Its important to mention that this is a dangerous place to be in because it satisfies a void, and you forget why you broke up in the first place. In addition, we might reach out to friends who have been there before, and dealt with a life-altering event. Stay out of contact with him, Al. 1. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. You already have a family to take care of. If you still have feelings for your ex, that doesnt mean you should talk to your ex and get your hopes up. I'm glad we spoke, given how messily and immaturely things had ended. If this companionship usually hurts you when they ghost you again, its better not to indulge in it. Reaching out to an ex years later can play out in one of two ways, you either connect with each other again or nothing good comes of it. Closure is not something you can give someone or receive from someone. After reading his message im not sure if I should reply. So, depending on that, choose if you want to keep any contact with your ex. It's a long story. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about it? 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. They're Looking For An Ego Boost Unfortunately, the knowledge that you're there still pining away for them (whether your are or not) can be just the springboard that they need to feel good about themselves. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. But if your ex keeps messaging you afterward and shows a lot of interest in you in one way or another, then your ex probably wants to be friends or is gathering the courage to ask you out again. Do exes come back after leaving for someone else? Since you can never really know why they contacted you, you shouldnt make assumptions about anything. When you first start dating, it's normal for him to only text when you're making plans together. I don't think it's reciprocated on my end & I thought not replying would prevent another attempt to be honest. I realised after a few weeks that I was the only one initiating again. Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media. Many years have passed since you were together, so naturally, youve matured and changed quite a bit. After the initial gloomy impact of the breakup is lifted, they perceive that leaving you (or cheating on you) was a huge mistake. Listen, the messages are very casual and kind of nice but I really don't feel like I have anything in common with this person, it would never occur to me to message him. Her requirements werent clear and she wanted me to make suggestions about what to do, but her first question was: I dont know if you want us to go back to before, where we are living in separate places?. You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this wont last long. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. You are moving on and they are jealous. When were scared, we long for the familiar, and right now, many of us are afraid or concerned in ways that we havent been before ever in our lives. If you are looking for an explanation, ask for it. "Crossing the X Date would be unprecedented," Akabas said. They didnt expect you to be this chirpy so soon. I could tell knowing the truth was a huge weight off his mind. Now shes unblocked me and sent me messages saying shes moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally dont feel ready to talk as I dont want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. I had my ex reached out after 2 years of no contact after cheating on me and treating me poorly during the relationship. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? A year and a half is a long time to not speak to an ex. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. It's when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. Talking to an ex after years can haunt you with memories, so buckle up. Its almost like youve been waiting for me. The humiliation I felt after that made sure I never texted her back again, Aaron, a construction manager, shares with us. There is simply no need to reconnect with him now that youre married and doing well. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. We invested a lot of time in one another so it's nice to learn how the other is turning out. For context: I broke up with my 1st boyfriend who I dated for 5 years about 10 years ago. 10 Signs Your Ex Is Testing You | How To Respond? Another reason why your ex contacts you suddenly after so long might be because they are struggling with their feelings alone. However, they later got back together and married in 2011. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. After 6 months of balance to initiation of conversation, she stopped getting in touch. Also, if you had fixable problems in your relationship that they didnt solve when you were together, they might have changed that about themselves and pop up in an attempt to show off or get you back. 2. If you have a partner, think of them as well. But they do that only if they still have some respect for their ex, if they see that their ex has grown significantly in their absence, or if they get hurt. Keep me posted. It's a theme in literature, film, TV shows even in the way products are marketed. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. Someone in their life could have randomly brought you up in conversation. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship. On a whim, I looked to see if he was on Facebook. But dont rush into setting a date for a catch-up over coffee. Go away. If you catch yourself spiraling a little, it's OK.. He'd tried to reach out to me a couple times after the break-up. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. They want to hear it from you directly. They just want you to know theyre sorry. Invite them to join you for a drink to catch up, or suggest the two of you grab a coffee sometimes. :). The next weekend, the friend showed up again, and this time he brought my ex. Your current partner might be aware of what went down between you and your ex. When you know why he or she reached out, youll be able to decide whether talking to your ex is even a good idea. It was two years since the end of the relationship this September and I feel like I have wasted two years of my lifetime. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. Wont hurt to text them back if alls forgiven and forgotten. The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. But they happen anyway., and you are left with no other choice than to face the aftermath. That passed quickly anyway. He sent me another not long after, again I read it and deleted it. She even made accusations towards me after the first month of our no contact to add salt to the wounds. I reached out to let him know, and asked if he'd like to meet up in person for a bit, that I wanted to see him and also apologize for how things had gone down. In fact,researchsuggests that 40-50% of peoplere-establish contactwith exes and start a relationship again. Here Are 16 Coping Tips, The 4 Bases In Relationships That We Unanimously Agree On. The best way to get to the bottom of this is to ask your ex some questions back. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. Yeah - no. Outside the bedroom, you werent compatible at all. Anger is part of the journey to acceptance and moving on, so if they're still holding anger, resentment, or bitterness, they haven't totally healed. About App. Sometimes time apart makes your ex realize what they lost when they walked away from your relationship. Something is often wrong when an ex comes back into the picture years later. I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. Now that you are planning your life with a new person, the chances of your ex-partner getting back together with you are practically zero. My ex contacted me after 2 years and I couldnt help but immediately respond to ask her what she wanted. Katie writes, "Hi Susan! You dont dictate the pace, criticize your ex, or talk about the breakup. You can do one of two things, listen to what your ex has to say, or ignore them. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. I should mention that we both agreed it was for the best. Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. I stopped going to the club in case they came again. And think of yourself first. Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. But other times, a conversation with your ex can also provide your ex with an opportunity to: When your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend contacts you years later, your ex finally gets over the anger, disgust, contempt, or suffocation caused by unhealthy perceptions and becomes okay with talking with you. You have to be careful. I dont know many adults in choir so I knew it would be best to stay in contact with them. The fact that you moved on and found happiness all over again on your own, draws them back to square one. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. We dont often think about emotional labor as work, but it IS indeed work. In fact, it might even be a good idea to block your ex if they make you feel uncomfortable on any level. Definitely not. Your life will probably look a lot different now to when you were with your ex. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasnt my job to do that. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. I feel bummed and embarrassed but nothing I could do. Seeing your ex after a long time might effectively spell doom for your present relationship if you just assume your partner will be fine with this. I was unable to provide the support he needed at the time, as I had not healed and wasn't ready to let go of my trauma (my therapist says I didn't want to relinquish the power he had over me - that it was a continuation of the abuse.) You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Just ask, Why did you reach out to me after all this time? Your ex will likely be at a loss of words at first, but soon either give you the truth or half-truth. The following four steps can help you work through the process. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. It was like a weight lifted. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. I just mean that we still had feelings for a long time.) I had an ex find me 12 years after we broke up and reached out to me. | Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. They dont get to stalk you on social media and meeting you in person is beyond their reach. They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. Dont reach out with specific expectations about an old friends responsereach out because you would like to hear their voice again and check in, and nothing more. Now that theyre dealing with issues concerning the things only you know about, theyve got no one else to turn to. Bye." Chapter closed. My advice is to not get distracted by what your ex says too much and instead look at the things your ex asks or expects from you. You can either become your exs friend, an acquaintance who talks to an ex once in a while, or you can ask your ex not to reach out and keep moving on. I got a message on Linkedin today andI'm so confused (the message said I came up in their feed I don't even know how that's possible we live in opposite side of the world, work in different industries and don't share contacts)? They're angry with you. Of course, as a dumpee, you might not have to stay your exs backup plan forever. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that . Since then he has reached out different ways every 3 years or so (emails, instagram) and I never replied. After carefully analyzing every possibility, when you finally respond, it turns out all they wanted was the phone number of your dog groomer. Theres no doubt you had mind-blowing sex with your ex, but that was all there was to the relationship. Your ex didnt treat you very well when you were together, and to top it off, they dumped you and never looked back. And if theres a new partner in the picture, the green-eyed monster might rear its ugly head. His entire purpose was to find out truth from me. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. Different people have different norms around contact and friendship over time and after a relationship ends. later: 1. But he wasn't thrilled about it, but we all agreed to never meet in person. I'd done something he considered cheating. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. Ex Reached Out After No Contact. However, before taking any action, you should listen to what theyve got to say, get some advice, and dont respond. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. After 4 years, my ex reached out to me asking how I have been (The end of our relationship was somewhat mutual. Three times in ten years sounds just like he wants some (very minimal) contact with someone who he spent five years of his life with. We talked briefly. Its okay if your ex doesnt contact you, Linda. Long time. Apparently he had heard a rumor that I had found out I was pregnant after we broke up and had aborted the baby. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. 2 Take a moment to work through how you feel before replying. Its like comfort foodmac-and-cheese may not be haute cuisine and it may not reflect what our normal menu offers, but it brings back images of childhood and safety and security. . . I am still not sure if its a good idea. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else?